Baby Steps
by Heeroluva
Summary: Tony’s at the breaking point. Gibbs/DiNozzo


Title: Baby Steps  
Author: heeroluva  
Fandom: NCIS  
Pairings: Gibbs/DiNozzo  
Rating: R  
Word Count: 4356  
Warning: language  
Summary: Tony's at the breaking point.  
Note: Many thanks to downfall35 and mjmcca (at LiveJournal) for the wondering beta job.

Abby knew the instant that the door to her lab crashed open, shockingly loud even over the blare of her music, that something was wrong with Tony, and if the defeated look on his face didn't confirm it, his unexpected words set it in stone.

"Abby, I'm quitting. I got a job offer from a private security firm in LA and I'm taking it. I put in my two weeks and this is my last day. My flight leaves tomorrow morning, I figured you'd rather hear it from me than the Director."

Blinking rapidly to try and stem out the tears that threatened to fall, Abby couldn't think straight as anger and betrayal surged through her. Abby's fist flew out and slammed onto the keyboard, bringing the pounding music to a sputtering halt, causing Tony to jump. A surge of guilt filled her at the sight, she wished she hadn't done that because the tense silence that filled the space was stiflingly awkward. But she justified to herself that she had every right to be angry at her best friend for springing something like this on her with no warning, without ever having talked to her about something that had obviously been in the works for a while.

Tony winced at the expressions that stormed across her face and knew this wasn't going to be easy. He could have phrased it better, should have made himself talk to her sooner, but he knew how tenacious she was; like a dog with a bone and she would have convinced him to stay at the expense of his sanity, and maybe even make him confess his reasons for leaving, talk about things that were better off not being spoken of. But once he walked into the lab the words exploded from him as the dam cracked and the need to explain himself came pouring through.

"Why, Tony? Why now? Why tell me the day before you leave? I thought you were happy here, with me, with us. You're my best friend, the big brother I never had or knew that I wanted until I found in you. We're a team Tony. We're supposed to stick together."

Tony swallowed thickly around the lump that was forming in his throat. "I didn't know for sure that I had the job until a few days ago. I've been thinking about it for a long time. I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would upset you. I just can't stay anymore. It's well past time for me to move on."

"Bullshit, Tony! You were going to leave even if you didn't have someplace lined up to run to. Tell me the real reason." She instantly regretted the words as Tony's face crumbled and he seemed to shrink into himself, starting to turn away and run, never to be seen again. Rushing forward, she grabbed his shoulder forcing him to face her and threw her arms around him.

He curled around her squeezing tight using her as an anchor to ride out the coming storm, but loosened his hold at her squeak of "Tony!" He buried his head in her neck and she ran her hands up and down his back in some semblance of comfort as his shoulders shook with silent sobs and tears wet her neck. She didn't know what to do. Tony was always the strong one. Tony could take anything and never broke. But clearly something huge had happened that was too much even for him to bear, and her callous, selfish words obviously hadn't helped either.

Somehow she ended up on her knees with a lap full of Tony, rocking him gently and murmuring nonsensical words of comfort into his hair. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay. It's all okay. You don't have to say anything. Things will get better. You'll get through this. I'll always be here for you."

She wasn't sure how long they sat there like that, but her legs were beginning to go numb when Tony's head rose and he finally broke the silence sounding rusty, weak, and defeated. "No Abby. It's too late. Things won't get better. There's nothing left to get through. It's all over. I can't do this anymore Abby. I tried. I really, really tried. But I'm so tired and it hurts too much, Abs. I can't stay here anymore. I just can't, Abs."

Abby brushed back am unruly lock of hair that had fallen over his eyes. "Why, Tony? This obviously isn't just something new. It's something that's been building. We've been friends for years. You know can tell me anything. Why didn't you ever say anything before now?"

Dropping his head and not meeting her eyes he mumbled, "Doesn't matter anymore. Talking about it won't change anything."

"Tony, please. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. If I let you go you're going to run and cut ties, like you always have. I know you're scared. But I can help you through whatever this is. All of us here will."

"Abs, I'd never cut you off. And I know you would. But the problem is here, so it wouldn't work out."

"I'm going to kill Gibbs!"

Tony jumped and started to pull away. "I didn't say anything about Gibbs."

"You didn't have to. Your body language and words gave you away. And I'm not dumb, Tony. I've seen the way you look at Gibbs when you think no one is looking."

"Abby, please don't," Tony begged voice cracking.

"Come on, Tony. It can't be that bad. Whatever it is you don't have to run from it. So what if you're attracted to him? He watches you just as much as you do him when he thinks that no one is looking. Just ask him out. I know it will work out."

Tony did shove back and stand up this time, pacing back and forth along the length of the lab. "God, Abby, there is nothing left to work out. Don't you get it? Me and Gibbs have been fucking for ages. We've been fuck buddies for over a year now. Or at least it started that way. It was stress relief. He said no emotions and I was fine with that or so I thought. And it's been the best sex of my life. And I'm not bragging, but I've had a lot of sex to compare it with and know what I'm talking about. A lot of times it was hot, hard, and fast, but sometimes he's so soft and tender like he's worshiping me, loving me. Something that I'd never experienced before. Sure a lot of women have said they love me, but always in the heat of passion and never meant it. It was always a onetime thing, and we'd part on friendly terms. And God at the first sign of compassion from him, I fell for him, hard. I mean I've never felt that way about anyone before. But it hurts because he's never even kissed me on the lips before. But the kicker is that every time I woke I was alone. He never stayed. It didn't matter if it was my place, his place, or at any of the multitude of hotels we stayed at for cases."

Scrubbing his hands across his face, then running one hand again through hair that had long since lost its polished style, he shrugged in self depreciation as a humorless smile twisted his face. "At first it didn't bother me, but one morning I woke up alone for the umpteenth time, and I was so cold inside. I felt like a whore, just a convenient hole for him to fuck. And lately I've just been going through the actions. Sure my body loves it, but I feel like I'm dying inside. And work, God, work has been hell. He rides my ass more than he ever has, compliments Kate and McGee, but slaps my head harder and more often than ever and tells me what I did wrong, even if I'm the one to save their asses and figure things out. I should be the one getting the praise, not them. I work harder than both of them. And the extra hours that I've been putting in, coming in early and staying late to work on cold cases hasn't even been worth his notice let alone his praise. And when I'm exhausted while working on a case, Kate and McGee have to make comments about 'learning not to party it up on work nights,' which Gibbs agrees with even if he's the one I've been 'partying' with. But I've gotten so desperate that attention, any attention from him is better than none. And I accepted that, I could deal. But then a few months ago I realized that I loved him. A few months ago when I got hit over the head again and didn't want to go to the hospital, he said that I was going even if he had to cuff me and carry me in himself so that I wouldn't have 'any permanent damage to the empty space I call my brain.' And I replied with my usual sarcastic 'love you too, Boss' without thinking about it. But in that instance I realized that I really meant it."

Stopping his pacing to stand right in front of her, he grabbed her arms and shook a little. "Don't you see, Abby? Leaving is better than living like this anymore. I have to get out of here before this destroys me, while I'm still able to think somewhat straight. I'm sinking, and if I get in much deeper, I'll never be able to get out. I've lost enough of myself. I can't lose it all. "

Tony turned and practically ran out of the lab, leaving a stunned and speechless Abby behind him. Jerking out her stupor, she quickly turned towards the shadows in the far corner of the room and stalked forward, grabbing the front of Gibbs' shirt and jerking him forward. She had seen him slip into the room while she was comforting Tony. "Gibbs if you don't go and stop him right this instant you're going to have to find yourself a new Abby too!"

Gibbs having gone down to Abby's lab to investigate why it was so quiet when there were normally some obscene sounds, that she lovingly called music, blasting from her speakers, was shocked to find DiNozzo breaking down in Abby's lap. He couldn't believe what he'd heard, cursing himself for the pain that he had caused by his insensitive actions. He'd wanted DiNozzo, wanted him from the first instance he'd seen him. But he knew with how much of a womanizer that he was that he wouldn't be interested in a guy, particularly a guy that was as much of a bastard or as old as he was.

Then one night after a particularly grueling case involving two little girls' rapes and murders, he had driven DiNozzo home who had upon arriving invited him in for a drink which he'd accepted. It wasn't truly anything out of the ordinary. He wasn't entirely sure how it had happened, but one moment that were sitting on the couch so close that he could feel the warmth radiating from DiNozzo, sipping decent bourbon that he knew was bought specifically for him, and pretending to pay attention to some football game, and then the next thing he knew, he had DiNozzo pinned under him, wrists clasped above his head, nuzzling his throat, sucking hard on the exposed skin. He bit down lightly causing DiNozzo to moan and then soothed the abused flesh with soft swipes of his tongue. He tore DiNozzo's shirt open sending buttons pinging off the floor before moving to another untouched spot and starting the process again to hear more of the delicious sounds that were pouring from DiNozzo's throat. When he pulled back gasping for breath, DiNozzo had been the picture of ravaged debasement, tongue darting out to swipe over panting lips, eyes hugely dilated, hair wildly out of place. Standing, he pulled DiNozzo to his feet, than to the bedroom. They stood there for a moment, just taking each other in when he said 'no attachments,' which DiNozzo had agreed to and the rest was history.

Gibbs had though that he'd really not wanted the attachment and that Tony was still seeing women on the side. He'd noticed the lack of fire in DiNozzo lately but had figured that he was just getting tired of it and would put an end to it soon. Coming to the realization that he was just doing what he felt was best for himself, never really having thought that DiNozzo would want anything more permanent, he knew that he'd better get his priorities straight real fast, or he'd never see DiNozzo again.

Sprinting out of the lab and through the office, he spotted DiNozzo sitting at Gibbs' own desk writing something down. DiNozzo chose that moment to look up and when he spotted him, he abruptly stood and headed towards the elevator. "DiNozzo, stop right there," shouted Gibbs. DiNozzo didn't stop, but by that time Gibbs had reached him. Grabbing his arm, he jerked him around and pushed him back up against the wall pinning his arms to his side. He expected a struggle but was surprised when DiNozzo put up no resistance and practically went limp in his arms. The erection that pressed up against his own was not entirely expected, but nonetheless not unpleasant. What he didn't like was the ashamed look that DiNozzo wore and the fact that he wouldn't meet his eyes.

"DiNozzo, look at me." When he didn't respond, Gibbs pushed his hips harder towards DiNozzo's who rewarded him with a soft moan and jerked his head back, shocked eyes meeting Gibbs'. "Do I have your attention now?"

DiNozzo nodded and gave a weak smile, but it was brittle and didn't reach his eyes. "Yes, Boss."

Gibbs hated both the defeated tone and look, and would do everything in his power to prevent his lover from having either again. "You don't sound all that sure. Maybe you need some incentive. How about this, DiNozzo?" Leaning forward he put his lips right against his ear. "I love you, Tony."

Tony jerked and opened his eyes wide in shock. "Boss what about rule twelve?"

"Screw rule twelve, it was more of a guideline anyway. "

"I'd rather screw y—" His reflexive reply was cut off by the hard pressure of Gibbs' lips slanting across his own and the dancing of their tongues. Finding his arms suddenly free, he wrapped them around Gibbs, one hand cupping his neck and the other grasping his ass, pulling him closer. He didn't know how long they stood there like that but some sound was breaking through his euphoria, and he pulled back in shock when he realized it was the sound of clapping and catcalls. He blushed bright red when he caught Abby's wicked grin from across the office and tried to push Gibbs away but he wouldn't budge. "Gibb—"

And was again abruptly cut off, but in a much less pleasant way, by the Director's shouting. "Gibbs, DiNozzo, my office now!"

"Director with all due with respect, sir, you have no say in this. My team's taking the rest of the day off. Kate, McGee, finish up what you're doing and go home. Abby, you too."

Ignoring the scathing glare that the director was shooting their way, Gibbs reached over and pushed the elevator call button.

"Gibbs everything that happens in this office is my business."

The elevator dinged signaling its presence before Gibbs dragged Tony in with him.

"Gibbs…"

Growling Gibbs' hand shot out to hold the elevator open. "Yes director?"

"Congratulations, but next time keep the hanky panky at home out of my sight and off the clock."

Gibbs just smiled as the elevator closed.

Tony was in a daze, not believing this was real. "Boss?"

"It's Jethro when we're alone Tony. And you ignored two direct orders from me today. Going to have to do something about that don't you think?" He cupped Tony through his pants and gently palmed him.

"Oh yeah, B—, Jethro," Tony moaned. Things were definitely looking up. Maybe he could learn to confess things more often if it got him this kind of attention.

Tony had been silent since they got off the elevator, the ride home seemed shockingly long and empty without the endless chatter that Tony felt was needed to fill any sort of silence, particularly when he was feeling insecure or nervous. He knew that they had things to talk about still, and wasn't naïve enough to think that just because he confessed his feelings that things would be happily ever after. The fact that Tony was displaying classic signs of shock worried him. And when they pulled up to his house and Tony made no move to exit, Gibbs was forced to pull him out and guide him inside. But Tony didn't protest, didn't make a sound or a movement outside going where Gibbs directed him. Gibbs felt like a puppeteer pulling the strings on some lifeless doll, a shudder banishing the thought from his head, not wanting to think of Tony like that. Instead thinking of the animated Tony that he'd come to love. Reaching the bedroom he pushed Tony to sit on the bed. Quickly stripping himself down not caring where his clothes fell, he pulled off Tony's shoes and did the same to him as well.

Walking into the adjoining bathroom, he turned on the shower, adjusted the temp, and let it run to warm up. Grabbing two of the large fluffy towels that Tony was so fond of from the cabinet and setting them onto the sink, he walked back into the master bedroom, finding Tony in the same place he had left him, staring blankly at the wall with eyes hugely dilated even with the bright light from the bathroom shining on him, shivering violently. With a sigh, Gibbs pulled Tony to his feet and steered him into the shower. Climbing in behind him, he wrapped his arms around his waist, his chest to Tony's back, and turned them so Tony was getting the brunt of the water pressure from the massaging shower head that Tony had convinced him to get.

Running his hands up and down his sides, along his arms, over his chest, he was relieved when the shivering subsided to be replaced by the occasion twitch. Grabbing the shampoo, he lathered Tony's hair, smiling at the moan the action created. Tony always liked his hair played with, acting like a big cat and purring when Gibbs ran his hands through it. Rinsing his hair, careful not to get any of it in his eyes, he quickly took care of his own before grabbing the bar of soap. Lathering them up, he ignored his erection which just wouldn't go down, despite the inappropriateness of it in the current situation.

Just as he finished rinsing them, Tony came alive and turned in his arms, burying his head in the crook of his neck, shoulders shaking and tears disappearing in the warm spray of the shower. At first not knowing how to react, he took a page out of Abby's book and ran his hands soothingly along his back, not bothering to try and talk over the roar of the shower. When Tony started to go limp, exhaustion setting in from the roller coaster of emotions that he had been experiencing lately, Gibbs reached over and turned off the shower. Stepping out, he helped Tony out also, supporting him before grabbing one of his fluffy towels and vigorously rubbing it over Tony's hair, and wrapping it tightly around his waist then doing the same to himself.

This time Tony didn't need any direction and walked back into the bedroom standing uncertainly at the edge of the bed that he had claimed as his own, still not confident that he was really wanted. Gibbs followed behind, closely examining Tony's actions, feeling ashamed that he was the one to cause such insecurity in him. He knew that Tony was always insecure, but Gibbs took it for granted, used it against him, not realizing how badly he was hurting Tony.

When Tony realized the scrutiny that he was under, he went red in embarrassment and moved to turn away.

"Tony, don't ever turn away from me, or close me out. I know I'm a bastard. Have been for a long time. But I'm willing to learn." Dropping his towel he climbed into bed and under the blankets, holding up the other edge of the blankets as an invitation for Tony. "If you will have me."

Tony seemed taken back at the statement and actions. This was beyond his wildest dreams, something he hadn't allowed himself to hope for. Dropping his towel, he climbed in, and had to smile as Gibbs tucked the blankets and luxurious six hundred thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, that he had acquired shortly after the first time they'd had sex at Tony's place, tightly around them, before pulling Tony towards him, one hand resting on his shoulder and the other on his hip. Tony stayed tense, and tensed even more when Gibbs whispered, "We'll talk in the morning."

Long minutes passed, before Gibbs sighed. "Relax, Tony. I'm not going anywhere." Then using the trick that he'd learned early on, started running his fingers through Tony's hair and had to suppress a grin as Tony went boneless and finally rested his head on his chest. "I love you, Tony."

Tony tensed again for a moment, before Gibbs felt Tony grin against his chest, snuggle closer, and whisper. "Love you too, Boss."

Tony was so warm and relaxed, warmth that he didn't recall having ever experienced before, and felt unbelievable safe. And while he always felt safe with Gibbs, this was somehow different, something new and wonderful. As he drifted off, the last thing he remembered thinking was desperately hoping this wasn't some kind of cruel dream.

Gibbs continued running his fingers through Tony's hair until he felt his younger lover's breathing enter the rhythmic state that only came from a deep sleep. Taking a close look at Tony, through the dim evening light that was still filtering through the shuttered windows, he cursed himself for the paleness and dark circles that he knew were his own fault. The relaxed and peaceful look that Tony wore was his only condolence. And he knew that'd he'd do anything to make things right. Gibbs didn't know how long he continued his petting, before he finally succumbed to the pull of sleep as well.

Consciousness slowly pulled Tony back to reality. The nagging of his bladder couldn't be ignored anymore no matter how comfortable the warm cocoon he was nestled in was. He sighed and made a move to get up, when the mattress under him suddenly shifted causing him to freeze. Startled his eyes flew open, brain foggy and not understanding what was going on, but not being able to see anything in the pitch black of the room. For a moment he panicked not knowing where he was, the ever present nightlight of his own room not here, and not remembering how he'd gotten into the situation.

The arm that he hadn't realized was wrapped around his waist, tightened and pulled him back down, a boney hip digging uncomfortably into his full bladder. "Go back to sleep, Tony," Gibbs half asleep voice slurred out of the darkness.

The memories of the previous day flooded back to him and he relaxed, though he was somewhat embarrassed about his break down, not just once but twice, how he'd cried like he hadn't since he was a baby. But Gibbs said he loved him. Twice even. That was a start.

He cringed as he thought about the amount of phone calls he would have to make tomorrow to get everything straightened out. He was going to lose the security deposit that he'd put down on a place in LA. Almost all of his belongings from his apartment where in storage as he had planned to get new things in LA since there were just too many memories attached to his current possessions that he didn't want to follow him, just wanting to forget. One of his frat brothers from college was the owner of the security firm in LA and had been after him for years. He'd been ecstatic when Tony had finally accepted, and while Tony knew he was going to be upset that he was backing out he knew that he would understand. And he'd have to make sure that he all of his utilities turned back on. He also figured that he didn't need to talk to the Director now since he'd seen the spectacle between Gibbs and himself, but he'd lost the favor that the director owed him in keeping his silence on leaving.

Gibbs shifted and brought Tony out of his musings as his bladder screamed in protest. Tony shot up and Gibbs made a noise of objection. "Shhh, go back to sleep. Just need to hit the head."

Gibbs seemed to relax at that and Tony searched blindly for the bathroom, and was grateful when he made it without injuring any toes or other important body parts. Quickly emptying his bladder he headed back to bed. His eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness for him to see that Gibbs had rolled over into his previous spot, seeking the warmth that the blankets still held and was wrapped around his pillow. This was one of those moments that he wished he had a camera with him, but just shrugged and smiled. Climbing into Gibbs' spot, Tony wrapped himself around his lover, spooning up against his back, he quickly feel back to sleep, knowing that they'd somehow make it work, even if it took baby steps.


End file.
